The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles. She emerged two days later with no ears. (Melissa)
(3.5 stars, 4 votes)
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard." (Melissa)
(3.0 stars, 5 votes)
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
(4.0 stars, 6 votes)
"Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman (Melissa)
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
(3.7 stars, 7 votes)
Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
(3.7 stars, 7 votes)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
(3.7 stars, 7 votes)
"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon (Melissa)
(3.4 stars, 7 votes)
"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon (Melissa)
(3.4 stars, 7 votes)
"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno (Melissa)
(3.4 stars, 7 votes)
"Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'" –Jay Leno (Melissa)
(3.3 stars, 7 votes)
"Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. 'Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'" --Jay Leno (Melissa)
(3.3 stars, 7 votes)
"I saw an article last week that said, 'Is Obama's Presidency already a failure?' ... I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson (Melissa)
(3.1 stars, 7 votes)
"Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world." --Conan O'Brien (Melissa)
(3.1 stars, 7 votes)
Al Gore is so dull that his secret service code name is "Al Gore". (Melissa)
(3.0 stars, 7 votes)
What's the difference between Al Gore and a slab of formica?
Absolutely nothing. (Melissa)
(2.9 stars, 7 votes)
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
(2.9 stars, 7 votes)
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
(2.6 stars, 7 votes)
"President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That's true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them." --Conan O'Brien (Melissa)
(2.4 stars, 7 votes)
"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno (Melissa)
(1.6 stars, 7 votes)
Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time? - No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise'
(4.8 stars, 8 votes)
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
(4.0 stars, 8 votes)
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!" (Melissa)
(3.9 stars, 8 votes)
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things. (Melissa)
(3.9 stars, 8 votes)
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
(3.5 stars, 8 votes)
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