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Funny Quotes, Citations and Sayings - The Funniest Short Jokes and One Liners |
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Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
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