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Funny Quotes, Citations and Sayings - The Funniest Short Jokes and One Liners |
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I work very hard. Please don't expect me to think as well. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
(5.0 stars, 1 votes)
I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common? -Ashleigh Brilliant
(4.0 stars, 1 votes)
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. (Roger Simon).
(4.0 stars, 1 votes)
Love your enemies. At least they don't try to borrow money from you. -Leonard Louis Levinson
(2.0 stars, 1 votes)
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Mark
(1.0 stars, 1 votes)
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, nobody I know belongs. -Ashleigh Brilliant
(1.0 stars, 1 votes)
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. (Stephen Leacock)
(1.0 stars, 1 votes)
I have just discovered the truth, and can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. -Ashleigh Brilliant
(1.0 stars, 1 votes)
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)
(5.0 stars, 2 votes)
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. (Johnny Carson)
(5.0 stars, 2 votes)
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. (Terry Pratchett)
(5.0 stars, 2 votes)
Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. (Bruce Friedman)
(4.5 stars, 2 votes)
"I always try to avoid cliche's like the plague!" -Rev. Wang Zeep
(4.0 stars, 2 votes)
To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right. -Ashleigh Brilliant
(3.5 stars, 2 votes)
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. (Guitry)
(3.3 stars, 3 votes)
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. (S. T. Coleridge)
(3.3 stars, 3 votes)
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. (Ken Dodd)
(3.0 stars, 3 votes)
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
(4.3 stars, 4 votes)
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
(4.3 stars, 4 votes)
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
(3.8 stars, 4 votes)
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
(3.5 stars, 4 votes)
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
(5.0 stars, 5 votes)
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
(3.4 stars, 5 votes)
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
(3.2 stars, 5 votes)
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
(3.2 stars, 5 votes)
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