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- The Funniest Short Jokes and One Liners |
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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Al Gore is so dull that his secret service code name is "Al Gore". (Melissa)
What's the difference between Al Gore and a slab of formica?
Absolutely nothing. (Melissa)
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!" (Melissa)
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things. (Melissa)
"Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman (Melissa)
"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon (Melissa)
"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon (Melissa)
"I saw an article last week that said, 'Is Obama's Presidency already a failure?' ... I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson (Melissa)
"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno (Melissa)
"Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'" –Jay Leno (Melissa)
"President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That's true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them." --Conan O'Brien (Melissa)
"Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world." --Conan O'Brien (Melissa)
"Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. 'Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'" --Jay Leno (Melissa)
"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno (Melissa)
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
(Jon)
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem? (Scott)
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser. (Tejas Chachcha)
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date! (Faithe Ainsworth)
Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window. (Kyle Burglie)
Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!! (Pisshead Bonehead)
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework. (Scott)
What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.
(Azbar Kahleed)
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper. (Briana)
You so short you have to look up to look down. (Crystal)
Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY." (M.P. Monaghan)
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it". (M. P. Monaghan)
Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window. (M. P. Monaghan)
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
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