Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
(4.0 stars, 7 votes)
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
(4.0 stars, 7 votes)
If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.
(4.0 stars, 7 votes)
"Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman (Melissa)
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? (George Carlin)
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? (George Carlin)
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
You may be an engineer... If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
BEFORE MARRIAGE: I love a woman with curves
AFTER: I never said you were fat
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
1970: Peace sign.
2010: Mercedes logo.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
1970: Acid Rock.
2010: Acid Reflux.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
BEFORE MARRIAGE: I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
(3.9 stars, 7 votes)
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